One of the most common problems I hear is having repeated questions about the matter. It is absolutely normal (and quite understandable) to want to collect as much information as possible. However, there comes a point where you get tired of asking and your cheating spouse gets tired of answering. And you may begin to wonder at what point you will have to stop this cycle. Often times, you would like to stop, but you hate the idea of unfinished business that you are not yet sure about.
A wife might say, “I honestly feel like my husband is still hiding some of the details of his affair. I admit he has told me a lot of things, and some of those things must have taken a lot of courage because they are so damaging. But I still believe that There are things he doesn’t want me to know. So I wonder they are essentially the same questions but in different ways. My husband finally figured this out because he snapped at me last night and said, ‘There will come a time, and that moment will come very soon. , where you’ll have to stop with all the questions. I can’t go on like this. We can’t seem to go a single day without being repeatedly grilled. ‘His words have some truth in them. I have questions every day. But I just keep asking because I know he hasn’t told me everything. When do I have to stop? “
I don’t know of any rules or guidelines on this. And I think you have the right to ask for information. Yes, husbands get very defensive about this and will try to interrupt you because every time you ask a question, they feel exposed, embarrassed and annoyed.
And your husband might be right if he has already told you everything. I know from experience that after a while asking the same questions over and over again becomes useless. It’s a frustrating cycle that just isn’t productive. So I recognize that there is often a point where you have been told essentially everything and you are still asking the same questions because you still cannot understand this whole set of circumstances.
However, not being able to fully understand it does not mean that you did not receive the information you requested. Here’s an example that might help, as it’s not about cheating. Bear with me because I think this is relevant and will help. Recently, my son abruptly left a sport that he loved and in which he has invested a lot of time. I have repeatedly asked you to explain your reasoning. And, over and over again, he has told me that the commitment was too much, that his grades were suffering and that it was no longer fun. These are all perfectly valid reasons. He gave the exact answer I had asked for. Still, it bothered me. So I kept it up. Didn’t you like your coach? Didn’t you feel like you weren’t good enough? Did you have problems with any of your classmates? His answers were always no. And this frustrated us both. And I still don’t fully understand why he quit, and may never understand. But I have decided that it is not worth further bothering him about our relationship. He gave me the information. I cannot enter his mind and feel his same feelings. So I just need to go ahead and be here to support him if he needs me. He seems perfectly satisfied. It is ME who is experiencing the confusion, but I know I need to let it go.
Ask yourself if you are at the same point. Has he told you everything, but you still can’t understand him because you wouldn’t act the same way? If you can see this and know that your husband has answered what you’ve asked and you’re churning out the same old things with disastrous results, then it’s probably time to seriously downscale. Likewise, if this process only makes you feel worse and you’re just brooding over and stirring up bad feelings, ask yourself if it’s worth it.
I understand that you need all the answers. And if you think you don’t have them, it’s definitely worth the talk. You could try: “I fully understand that there is no use for us to continue debating the same old issues. But you must understand that I keep asking because, in my heart, I wonder if you have told me everything. I suspect that something is holding back.
This can work. But if it isn’t and you’re still stuck, then you might consider getting brief advice just so the counselor can help you determine if you have all the information. Sometimes this is helpful in more ways than one. Knowing that you have a set time and place to address outstanding issues frees you up, so this no longer has to be your only focus at home.
But I don’t think there is a magic benchmark as to when you need to stop asking questions, although I do think it makes sense to scale down when you hear the same answers over and over and you’re not learning anything new. I think most of us can feel it when we are in a cycle of frustration.