Being a stay-at-home mom was never my dream. I always felt that there is more to life than raising children. Proud as I am of the tremendous achievement my mother made in raising me and my siblings, I always thought that times had changed and that there would be more things that I should and would love to do. My mother married and had children right after college and had no help or support looking for other opportunities outside the home.
25 years later, I made the same mistake.
I married my girlfriend from college and we had our first child the following year. It was a blow to my career even before it started. I tried the remedy of getting a master’s degree between both sons, but that did little to increase my chances of getting hired. At the time, I thought that the job was for me, my career and what I feel about myself. Later, I realized that work also gives something that nothing else can give; which is financial independence.
Horror stories of men who abandon women, cheat on them and abuse them flashed before my eyes. I love my husband, who is incredibly caring and caring, but what if he wasn’t? It’s amazing now, but what if it won’t be later? At that point, I decided that being a stay-at-home mom, even if it’s temporary, was a terrible idea. If you can’t get out of a relationship no matter how bad it gets, how will you ever get back to sleep at night? If a woman is under the control of a man because he feeds and clothes her, what protects her from marital rape, physical abuse, or sudden abandonment? Also, if a woman trusts her husband forever, why would she choose to be a financial burden to him, when she can have a second income and support herself? Being the feminist that I am, it was obvious that I needed to get a job and fast.
Later, I read several articles in support of stay-at-home motherhood, which made the first weeks of my second baby’s life a little easier for me. However, a single analogy changed everything.
A woman is not asking for rape, no matter what she wears. Why would a stay-at-home mother be asking for abuse just because she has no separate income?
I realized that my thoughts may seem liberating and encouraging, but they are deeply rooted in blaming the victims. I’m asking a woman to reassure herself, whether she can or not, rather than focusing on asking men to stop abusing their partners.
This idea changed the way I see myself currently unemployed. It made me see that maintaining a family was valuable and that being secure in a relationship is not exclusive to financially capable women. It wasn’t about me making peace with choosing to be a stay-at-home mom because I know I want something more. It’s more about the fact that I will build my career and all the opportunities I can get without stressing myself out or choosing the wrong path just to feel safe. I will do what is right for me and my family at the right time. I will not look at stay-at-home mothers as if they are in danger or under the control of their partners. Instead, I will blame any man who I hear has abused or cheated on his wife, rather than saying “I wish he had made sure.” I also stick with the idea of women financially securing themselves before settling down and realizing that children are a big change and an expense that requires a lot more preparation than women are generally told.
Starting a family is a deal that both partners make together and each brings their fair share. Whether a man is the breadwinner, stays at home, or does a little of both as the years go by, abuse and insecurity must remain out of the picture. Financial security should provide women with immunity from crisis and peacetime luxury, rather than being their ticket out of an abusive relationship, simply because men are not supposed to abuse!