I recently heard from a wife whose husband had admitted to being unfaithful. But, he was not willing to give her many details about the same. Basically, all he was saying was that she had been unfaithful with a coworker, but that was “a one-time thing that would never happen again.” The husband insisted that he knew that what he had done was completely wrong. He claimed that he didn’t really know why he did this, but he assured the wife that he would never have to worry about it again because he would not do it again.
Needless to say, the wife wanted and needed more details than this. She wanted to know who the other person was. She wanted to know how long the deception lasted. And she wanted to know if there were serious feelings involved and if her husband was still thinking about the other woman.
The husband flatly refused to give the wife any additional information. Whenever she asked open-ended questions, he would get angry and defensive, giving her responses like “I told you I cheated on you. Isn’t that bad enough? What else do you need to know?”
This situation is not common. Many wives tell me they know full well they aren’t getting the whole cheating story. Sometimes they are afraid that the other woman is someone they know very well. Other times, they fear the deception will continue. And sometimes they really do feel entitled to all the details they want or need to know. In the next article, I will offer some suggestions on how to handle this situation.
Possible reasons why a man does not want to tell you the whole story of his infidelity: There are many reasons why a man might not want to open up completely about the affair or cheating. The reasons vary as much as the man himself. Some men know that the more you know, the more you will be hurt or angrier. Some are embarrassed or ashamed of their actions. Sometimes you know the other person and they are afraid that you will try to contact or confront this person or tell this person’s spouse. And cheating may still happen, although it may be a mistake to just assume this.
Some men just don’t understand why you would want or need to know something that is just destructive to you or your marriage. I often hear comments like “I just don’t understand why my wife wants to know every detail about the cheating. Nothing good can come of constantly repeating this and reopening the wounds. I really think it’s best for us to move on, but she always seems to want to.” stay in the present or go back”. I’m not saying that this perception is correct, I’m just saying that sometimes this is how husbands see it.
How to make your husband understand that you need more information about the extent of his cheating: I suspect that if you ask a husband why wives want information about his infidelity, men will often tell you that wives use this information to punish them or to justify their anger. But if you ask women or wives why they want this information, they’ll tell you that they feel they need to know what they’re up against.
They feel they need a clear picture of exactly what happened, what the husband was thinking at the time, the feelings involved, whether he is still in danger of cheating again, and how he feels about the marriage right now. The wife often feels the need for her from the whole story very strongly. Without her, she cannot have a clear idea of the situation of her marriage and of what she really feels about her husband. We often feel very resentful and mistrustful when asked to fill in the blanks on our own. This is simply not fair. And if our husbands want us to recover and heal from this, they need to give us the tools to do it. One of those tools is honesty.
Sometimes you have to be very upfront about it until it finally settles with your husband. The next time this conversation comes up, you might want to say something like, “I’m not asking these questions to punish you or to get angry. I’m asking this because I need to have a clear idea of what I’m doing.” I need to understand what happened and what is the situation now. I need this information to really assess where we are today. If you are not willing to give it to me, I have no choice in taking this to mean that you are not willing to help me heal and I will be tempted to try to figure it out on my own, which I think is more detrimental to me than getting information from me. own husband.”
Sometimes words like this will start to lower your defenses. Sometimes you will have to repeat yourself until he realizes that you are serious and you are not going to let him. That being said, sometimes it hurts and keeps you stuck if you demand each and every detail. It may not help you to know where they went and everything they did. But you deserve to know enough to have a very clear idea of what really happened and with whom.