Some of the most common emails I receive are from wives who are very confused about what happens after an affair. Often a husband will insist that the affair and the other women meant nothing to him and that he still loves his wife very much and wants the marriage to work. But, this is very confusing for the wife who often asks me things like: “how the hell can he still love me after he paired up with someone else?” or “How much did she really love me when she went after me with her? She sure wasn’t thinking of me at the time.” These are valid and reasonable questions that deserve an answer. I will try to answer them for you in the following article.
Understanding how spouses can compartmentalize an affair:Please believe me when I say that I am not making excuses for your husband. I’ve been through this myself, so I know how you feel right now, and I know that no amount of explanation will make this okay. However, I have also done tons of research on this and have talked to countless men who have been very frank with me. Here is the conclusion I have come to. Men are fully capable of compartmentalizing and separating their love for you and adventure.
Most of the time, an affair has less to do with you than you think. Men cheat because they are trying to wake up or fix something within themselves. Maybe they feel old. Maybe your self-esteem is low. They may need reassurance that they are still attractive and virile. They may mistakenly think that this will bring more excitement into their life. Whatever it is, obviously they should have shared this with you and come up with a solution. But often they won’t because they don’t want to let you see this vulnerability. They are embarrassed by this and prefer to bottle it up and “handle the situation” themselves. They will often justify it by telling themselves that they are saving you this trouble and the pain it would cause.
Is he saying he loves me just because he got caught cheating: Very often, wives will tell me that they are afraid that their husbands are declaring their love now to save face, since they have been caught. Either they do it out of obligation or for the children. Many times, the wife will tell me that she firmly believes that if the matter had not been discovered, the husband would still be happy in the matter. Or, that if the husband had his heart’s desire, he would be with the other woman instead of his wife.
I fully understand why you feel this way. I did too. But I can also tell you that this type of thinking can really slow or even stop your healing and progress. Thinking this way can ensure that you are stuck and unable to move forward. If you have these concerns, it is very important that you discuss this very honestly with her husband. It is very true that husbands are often not very good at accurately communicating their feelings. But most tell me that, in fact, they still love their wives very much and are deeply sorry. They are devastated that they can’t take it back and frustrated that you don’t believe them when they tell you this. It is important that you emphasize that you are not second-guessing them out of revenge. You are doubting them because they have proven that they are not trustworthy. Explain that you would very much like to believe them, but restoring trust will take time and you will need a few things from them, as listed below.
What you need from your husband to know that he still loves you: I often find that when women doubt their husband’s love after being unfaithful, it’s because their needs are often not met. There are certain things that most women will need to get going. They are: responsibility, accountability, tranquility and patience. What I mean by this is that her husband should take full responsibility for the matter. He should not try to shift the blame and make excuses. Also, he must be willing to contact you or give up his email or cell phone passwords. They must make it clear that they are an open book with nothing to hide and must be patient with your need for information. You should be generous with reassurance and affection, assuring you that he still finds you attractive, he wants the marriage to work, and will work with you on this. Finally, you shouldn’t make time demands or ask “how much longer is this going to take.” The answer is “for as long as you need”. Once you repeatedly demonstrate that you are trustworthy and committed to the marriage, your need for these things will begin to lessen as you begin to heal.
Understand that you are worthy and you are enough: Sometimes even when all of the above criteria are met. Women will continue to stagnate and suffer. When this happens, I often ask the woman to look at her own self-esteem and her own worth. Sometimes, we don’t believe that our husband finds us desirable, sexy, and valuable because we don’t believe this about ourselves. So no matter what he says and does, you’re not going to believe him because deep down, you don’t believe that you’re enough. In these cases, it is vital that you work on yourself. Be honest with yourself about any doubts that are holding you back. I made great strides when I went back to school and lost weight. After a while, I began to understand and believe that my husband was indeed very lucky to have me.