“Fall down seven times, get up eight.” -Japanese proverb
One of the keys to functioning socially and emotionally is the ability to deal with disappointment and rejection.
Most children experience some form of peer rejection throughout childhood. One study found that even popular kids were shunned about a quarter of the time when they approached kids at school.
Most children recover from such rejection. They go ahead and form constructive and valuable relationships, but some children need help. They often take rejection personally and blame themselves. As a parent, it’s helpful to challenge children’s futile thinking and encourage them to seek out new friendship opportunities. Parents can help children understand that rejection can occur for many reasons that are unrelated to them.
Over the course of a school day, children will face a number of challenges and even setbacks. They may have difficulty with some schoolwork. They might not do well on a test and might not get picked for a game they wanted to play. Children grow stronger when they overcome their difficulties. The challenge for parents is to develop and maintain children’s confidence to help them through difficult times.
One way to help children deal with rejection and disappointment is to talk about a problem or difficulty acknowledging and accepting their feelings. Discuss various scenarios surrounding the incident, discussing possible outcomes. The age of the child will determine the amount of detail. Keep things simple and avoid burdening a younger child with concepts they don’t understand.
Your attitude can make a big difference in how a child reacts. If you see rejection or disappointments as problems, then your child will be affected by this view. See them as challenges, then your son will, in all likelihood, pick up on her optimistic outlook and deal with disappointments with ease. After all, confidence is contagious!
To help kids deal with rejection and disappointment, try the following four strategies:
1. Model optimism. Watch how you present the world to children, as they will get your point of view. If you think they can’t handle this setback, then you’re right: they probably won’t. Children take cues from their parents, so make sure you have a positive explanatory style.
2. Tell the children how you handle disappointment and rejection. Not only is it reassuring for children to know that their parents understand how they feel, but they can also learn a lot from how their parents handle situations.
3. Help children recognize times in the past when they bounced back from disappointment. Help them recognize that some strategies can be used again.
4. Laugh together. Humor is a great coping mechanism. It helps put disappointment in perspective. It helps them understand that things will get better. They always do it.
Now take this short resilience quiz about your child.
How resilient is your child?
The
1. Recover when things go wrong? Yes 2 No 0
2. Rationalize disappointment and rejection instead of taking it personally? Yes 2 No 0
3. Do you have a positive outlook when faced with challenges? Yes 2 No 0
4. Do you pat yourself on the back when you do something right? Yes 2 No 0
5. Let the little things spill over and mess up other parts of your life. Yes 0 No 2
Score:
10: A tough kid. He bounces back when things don’t go his way.
6-8: A tough soul.
0-4: Probably too hard on himself. You need help to lighten the load.