I once read an article by a British doctor who said “growing up is a series of bereavement losses.” It made sense because as we enter our teens and beyond, we’ve been through so many losses where our childhood imaginations of what life is about are constantly challenged by the real world.
However, I would also say that in a sense, all of life is a series of mourning losses, from birth to great death. Loss experiences never seem to stop coming. However, we always seem to be surprised when they happen, as if we had bad luck or did something wrong to make it happen. And there is a good reason for this: we are focused on life and living, as we should be.
However, everyone experiences grief and the loss of loved ones. But it never happens in a vacuum. There is much that bereaved people experience and learn from their ordeals that helps them become more human, whole, and sensitive beings. This is something we can learn from in the midst of our sorrows, that will change our lives for the better, if we just open up to it.
1. We learn that everything changes. This means, of course, that we too have to change to cope with the new conditions of life. We are not the same people we used to be. Loss can cause us to go in a different direction. Since change is eternal, it teaches a great life lesson: live in the precious present moment.
2. We learn that healing highlights the need for community. We need each other. The importance of a deep human connection becomes clear. Sometimes you may realize that this connection is not just a part of healing, but is necessary throughout life. We thrive on it. We want connections that we can always rely on and rely on.
3. We learn about the power and necessity of love. Paracelsus, the Renaissance physician and alchemist said, “The main reason for healing is love.” That is, the motivation to heal is intimately linked to the love of those who are near and dear to us. Perhaps healing love is what our entire lives should continually be about. This could be the number one lesson that grief has to teach.
4. We learn the importance of dependency and the awareness that we all need help. Despite the tough individuality, we all need help at different times and from the right people. It is okay to depend on others.
5. We learn that we are very alike, but we are also very individual in the way we cry. Interacting with friends and family often shows that our grieving styles tend to mimic our lifestyles. They are so different, and yet we all feel pain, each in their own way.
6. We learn that it is necessary to search for meaning. Our grievance often causes us to look at spiritual questions and find a different meaning in life and death. We often wonder where our loved one is now. Pondering the questions of why we are here and whether there is an afterlife can affect our values, especially if we have input from those we trust and respect.
7. We learn the importance of keeping the memory of the deceased. We learn that memories are essential tools for grief and that we can continue to use them as part of our new life. And we should always remember the advice of the great American writer Antoinette Bosco: “We do not honor our deceased loved ones if we are so changed by grief that they would not recognize us as the person they knew and loved.”
8. We learn that we cannot control everything. The illusion of control hurts deeply when reality shows what life is really like. The universe has its own schedule; our plans are second. Grief pushes us into a totally unknown existence in which we feel confusion, often attributed to our inability to control what has happened. Accepting our inability to control much of life, and allowing it to unfold, is a huge step forward.
9. We learn that resistance to the normal flow of grief (with its many ups and downs) and changes in life brings more suffering. We have to let the change happen; we can’t stop it. We want our old life back, but we can’t have it. It is necessary to move to the next stage, wiser and more informed.
In short, every experience of loss is an opportunity to learn and find a new meaning in life. Life is about coping with continuous change through renewal. We have to reinvent ourselves to face the new conditions of life. In short, we are continuous works in progress, gaining with each transformation. For our part, we have to let it happen, refuse to resist, seize the wisdom that is presented to us, and use the insights gained to become more complete people.