“Marriage is not just about raising children, dividing tasks and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together: a culture rich in rituals and an appreciation of their roles and goals that bind you…” Gottman, 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work
There are different elements that help build and support shared meaning, all of which need to be established and then developed over time. Read each item and answer the questions after each section, noting any thoughts that come up that you want to share with your lover.
Four elements that build a shared meaning and purpose
Tip 1. Connection Rituals
Tip 2. Shared views
Tip 3. Shared goals and dreams
Tip 4. Shared values
Tip 1. Connection Rituals:
A connection ritual refers to the little things you do as a couple or family that build and strengthen the emotional and spiritual connections between all of you.
Ask yourself these questions:
• How do you and your partner connect?
• Have you developed your own family rituals?
This could be a special meal at the weekend, such as a takeaway at a Saturday or Sunday roast or a movie night every Friday.
• In what unique ways do you celebrate religious holidays?
• Do you have a ritual to make love?
• Do you dedicate one day or night a week to family or romance?
Many couples find that love and connection blossom when they have an intimate ritual to look forward to. The key here is to find something you do together regularly that you can look forward to.
Answer the questions above and think about the connection rituals you have: do they work for you? Could you improve them to increase your connection or create some new ones?
Tip 2. Shared Views:
Support for the roles of each
When couples come to me, a lot of the problems stem from what they think their partner “should” be doing versus what they’re actually doing. I often hear: “As a husband…” he “should” be doing this, fixing that, paying for this, or giving me that. Similarly, I also hear it backwards: “A wife ‘should’ take care of the home, stay with the family, and contribute to the finances.” The problem stems from the fact that these assumed roles are often never discussed, so each person develops their own views on situations without taking the time to understand their partner’s perspective. This is where resentment builds up. The happiest couples agree on the roles that are defined and support each other with them. This is crucial as it helps build shared meaning.
family and upbringing
Having similar views on parenting also adds to a strong sense of shared meaning, as do your views on the level of interaction you expect to have with your parents, siblings, and cousins. For example, do you both consider extended family a part of your daily family life or do you prefer distance and more of a nuclear family?
work and career
It is even important to discuss opinions about what it means to work and the importance of work in your life. You may question how much work is part of your life, which can cause friction, so having a shared perspective is crucial. Where you can talk about its importance in your life and share your experiences. Some people I work with get jealous and upset because their spouses get involved at work and stay up late or socialize with colleagues on the weekends and this can cause tension in some couples. Compared to couples who agree that work comes first and encourage each other to be the best they can be. What couple are you?
The more you feel similar on these issues, the stronger your marriage and connection will become. This doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything, but it is often the couples who are most aligned in their views and approaches that are the happiest and most fulfilled.
What views do you share when it comes to living your life? Are there any expectations that are frustrating for you that you have not communicated? Could you use more support when it comes to your roles, family, or career?
Tip 3. Shared goals and dreams:
Part of what creates a meaningful life are the goals we strive to achieve. Many of us would not be where we are today without setting goals and fighting for them. Without a direction we are left aimless, even lifeless. Imagine a ship in the ocean that has no route to follow, no direction, it will float aimlessly and get nowhere. Marriages are the same. The goal of a relationship is not to get married, period. As with any area of life, be it work, fitness, or hobbies, having the next goal in mind ensures your progress, sense of purpose, and prevents you from stagnating. Your marriage should be no different: you need positive goals for your time together.
Too often we don’t talk about our deepest desires and sometimes we haven’t even asked ourselves what we want for our relationship as we are too busy with life to notice. When we begin to explore and define our shared goals, we increase intimacy, meaning, and purpose. When we are united by a goal, we can more easily let arguments and differences pass.
What are some of your short and long term goals for your marriage? List them and create a few more sets.
Tip 4. Shared values:
As with shared opinions, having shared values also helps marriages flourish.
Ask yourself these questions:
What do you value most about being part of the family to which you belong?
What family stories do you proudly consider?
What does home mean to you?
What activities or objects symbolize a meaningful and well-lived life for you?
What symbols or objects show who you are in the world?
Discuss what you and your spouse value most by answering these questions and list everything that comes up and is most important to you in life.
Now create your shared meaning
I have heard many different rituals, viewpoints, goals, and values because every couple has their own story. Here are some shared meanings:
“to heal and have a peaceful existence” (after a previous difficult relationship and childhood)
“to create a family full of laughter and love”
“to enjoy life to the fullest: travel, explore, adventure and excitement”
“follow in the footsteps of parents and take care of the whole family and business”
“give our children the best education and see them flourish together”
“have our dream house on the beach and retire (early) in luxury”
“to live together the mission of God, wherever it takes us”
“start our own business and leave a legacy”
Above all, it is important to remember one thing throughout your journey: this is your journey. I have offered examples of meanings shared by other couples to show that every couple is different.
Share your dreams with your partner and list your one, five and ten year goals and come up with some ideas for a shared meaning that is personal to you and your partner.